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THE INEVITABLE GRAMMY RECAP


Posted by Hartley On Feb 9, 2009

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The kid in the back is ready to go sky-diving

So last night the Grammy's happened. To think, if it wasn't for my dear old mother's reminding me to watch in the 11th hour I would've missed a ton of rappers lip-synching their own hits, Thom Yorke with long-ish hair, a pregnant MIA, and the most boring of boring of boring of boring albums win "Album of The Year." I can't believe my mother's disbelief at my not watching, prompting her to say to me over the phone: "You're not watching the Grammy's!?!?!? But I thought you love music!?!?" Oh mom. I can't blame her, even if she inexplicably thinks I look like this kid who is queer enough to take pictures like this one and leak them to the internet:

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please shave your chest. please.

Yeah, I look nothing like him. But anyways...Back to the topic at hand - I can't believe my imaginary girlfriend, Zooey Deschanel, had to be faced with the indignity of introducing the Robert Plant and Alison Krauss snooze-fest performance. For a moment the universe was out of balance. Hell, only the Grammy's could make Gwyneth Paltrow more "hip" then Zooey. At least, Paltrow got to introduce Lyle's favorite band, Radiohead. And I say "Lyle's favorite band," purely ironically in case you missed that. I'd be a sucker, if I didn't mention that Gwyneth's wink "had me at hello" like alien-life forms and Xemu have Tom Cruise and Katie. Check this freakin' wink out. It's awesome. Just try to repress the fact that it's directed towards her hubby/Coldgay frontman, Chris Martin - an over-emoting dude with a fetish for Brian Eno and military costumes:

See? That wink was the best thing she's done since going redhead in Ironman.

In the "not so killer" Grammy category, never has a show brought together so many of my favorite rappers and had them play so many of their crappiest material. Lil' Wayne is a monster. A bite-sized ego-maniac with a frog-throated crack-head flow and an unpredictable otherworldly swagger. He also sold a kagillion records this year. I want to hear the Chucky of the rap world GO OFF. I want to hear "A Milli," I want "Mr. Carter" (w. Jay Z - that woulda brought the house DOWN), I want to hear Got Money" and watch him throw a thousand iTunes dollaz at the CBS cameras like they were Bruce Springsteen's crotch. However, what I don't want to hear from "the most important MC of the year" is him rap the one ballad off C3 with Robin Thicke as part of a New Orleans post Katrina memorial montage sentimental craptastic themed-segment bit that was about as exciting and original as a Friday The 13th "reboot." Not to be outdone, the Grammys also managed to waste Jay Z, KANYE (!?), and Wayne again - forcing them to perform the really legitimately underwhelming "collabo," "Swagga Like Us." The only "swagger" that performance/song had/has was in MIA's due-that-day pregnant-ass belly. They shoulda just had my girl Maya kick out "Paper Planes" all by herself. Her about to be born child could even censor the gunshot sounds from the womb. 

And in the "file under just bizarre category" - yes, Radiohead played. Well, technically it wasn't Radiohead, but just Thom and Jonny on guitar and like a ginormous marching band, drum line, horn section. It was a killer rendition of "15 Step" and I'm not even going to waste my time reposting the video cause even my grandmother could find a clip of it on a thousand other hipster music blogs and my grandmother died about 20 some years ago. I did like Thom Yorke's fitted black leather jacket though. Thom - if you're reading this - shoot me a line, where'd you get that thing man? I want one.

And then as if the "academy's" one bid for musical "relevance"/"good will" by having Radiohead perform had the viewers thinking maybe the tide's had changed. Maybe Obama and the Recession and the general optimism in the country has ushered in a new era when shitty, boring music doesn't win at the Grammy's, maybe from now on the Grammy's won't suck anymore and they will actually have performances from people who sold albums that year to actual music listeners under the age of 50 and older than 14 - well, that's when the double-headed Plant/Krauss cobra stole album of the year. Sure, Robert Plant thanked Alison Krauss for "teaching him how to sing in straight line," and even made a vague offhand remark about "selling out" - which all but confirms our feelings - yes, Robert you suck now, you used to sing better when it wasn't in a "straight line", you made a stale ass album for old geezers with slicked back receeding pony-tails, Dental offices, and crummy coffee shops named like Village Bean. You're next record with Alison should be called Songs In The Key of Ambien. Ugh. And with that, everyone went home.

Honestly, though, shouldn't Bon Iver have gotten a Grammy? We think so.

 

 

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