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NOBODY WATCHES THE WATCHMEN


Posted by Hartley On Mar 5, 2009

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ha.

Here it comes. The buzzkill. In full disclosure I had a 100 buckaroo bet riding on the fact that the Watchmen movie was going to totally bite SO INCREDIBLY HARD. Jules and Germs, it looks like I'm going to be a rich man on this one. As I sit here typing this post on the eve of the film's release, I feel utterly confirmed that I may have outdone Miss Cleo on this one. The early reviews are in, and they are mixed at best. The fact that the studio has only let uber-nerds view it, and first screened the picture to the rest of the "legitimate" media at large last night - does not bode well for the Watchmen, or my enjoyment of this movie that I will be definitely seeing tomorrow night with the rest of Bank Robber. FIELD TRIP! I better get ready for some shitty nu-metal soundtrack action, and some killer slo-mo fight scenes. Maybe if I'm lucky they'll be an opening "historical montage" scored to Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changing"...er...wait a minute...NY Magazine's blog just alerted me that the opening 10 minutes are a historical montage set to Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'". What an amazingly original music cue. Apparently, it's the best part of the film too. Oy.

Oh Zack Snyder. It boggles my mind that any heterosexual male actually enjoyed the dude's previous film, 300, on it's own merits. It's basically a plotless, special FX-laden gay porno. No wonder, Watchmen reportedly has Billy Crudupt's uncircumsized member full frontalling the film up. Can't alienate that gay demographic - especially after Sean Penn's Oscar acceptance speech. 

Only adding insult to injury - the Watchmen is no different from "The League of Extraordinary Gentleman" or "V For Vendetta" - when will director's learn that Moore's genius as a comic-writer is tied to the graphic novel medium, and doesn't necessarily translate well to the screen if you're going to be all high and mighty and precious with the source material. The fact that Snyder has bragged about directing the "Watchmen" with a copy of the original graphic novel in his hand is not only a rather sad and desperate plea to get nerds salivating, but it's also kind of a stupid and impractical way to go about making a good film. I hope everything in the novel isn't translated verbatim on-screen - if this is the case, it's gonna be a long 2 and 3/4 hours. Yeah, that's the running time. PLEASE BE BETTER THAN BENJAMIN BUTTON.

In closing here's a new song from Beirut off his new double ep "Holland/March of The Zapotec" out on Pompeii Records now. Given that Beirut's manager is the dude I had that aforementioned $100 bet with - perhaps one of you supervisors could license one of these new Beirut songs so the guy can actually afford a sandwich in these tough economic times. Thankee. 

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