“Hello and welcome to BRNews. Breaking news this week are several new music videos that we will discuss in length, but before we dive in I’d like to bring in my panel of experts. Experts, please say “hi” to the folks at home.”
“Hi honey!”
“BLAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!”
“GLOOORRRRRRRWWWWLLLL”
“And filling in for Garfield this week who is on vacation, is Heathcliff.”
“I eat garbage.”
“Fantastic! Well, panel of experts, first off is the new video from Wye Oak called “It Was Not Natural” – Liberal White Lady, what do you think?”
GWG:“Well, this really doesn’t sound like Ted Nugent so I hate it. Plus, why would you let anyone other than Mike Huckabee play bass?”
OK, lets go to Heathcliff.
“Oh I heard this when I was begging for food at the Elite Fish Market. It is great, kinda reminds me of Kate Bush.”
“Great. Now let’s go onto our next video. You might know Chris Carter from his years as a member of the influential Throbbing Gristle. Panel, any thoughts on his solo work? More specifically, the video for “Tangerines”?
“Well I just found some tangerine rind in in the garbage – delish.”
“growl growl growl”
“Is he related to Jimmy Carter? If so his musical career is a conflict of interest with his presidential duties.”
“She wants everything? Well she can’t have it! I’m a grumpy white male so I GET EVERYTHING! Please put EVERYTHING on my YACHT and I will take it to my private island where I will swim in a pool filled with Evian water-with just a hint of dolphin blood.”
“I LOVE how she’s not afraid to express herself! YASSS QUEEEENNN!”
“What is she doing to her hair in that video?”
“Since when can Chewie talk?”
“We don’t have time for that Heathcliff. Grouchy White Man? Thalia Zedek’s band E has a new video for their song “Pennies.” Thoughts? I think this might be some of her best music in years! Thoughts?”
“Pennies? What are those?”
“I donate all my pennies to the homeless llama shelter in New Zeland. I’ve donated $3.23 so far!”
“Alright you two… Let’s move on to Josh T Pearson’s “Straight At Me”.The video is a love story following two characters from bar room to marriage – a “phantasmagoria of love”as seen through the lens of the Lone Star State’s history and TV stations…”
“Ooh cowboy hat, i like this!”
“Ok… The Essex Green have returned with a new album in June on Merge called Hardly Electronic. Their first in 12 years! What do you think of their first video “The 710” I think it has a great retro feel and look! Panel?”
“Is the Essex Green a golf course in West Palm? Chewie wanna meet tomorrow on the green for a quick nine?”
“No… I have to do a press junket for my new movie. Hey, why don’t I have top billing in SOLO? Where is the “Chewie” movie? And who will play a younger version of me – I wonder if ALF is available?”
“I couldn’t say Chewie. Moving on. Tangents particular brand of glitch-jazz is a favorite around the BRNews office – and this new song is perfect. Panel?”
“Oh Lake George… You know, it used to have a section called “millionaires row” – that democrat John D. Rockefeller lived there so pffff….…”
“Well Lake George is also known for hot air ballooning and GWM you are filled with hot air.”
“GRWOLLLLLLLLLLLL”
“I guess Chewie can’t speak anymore, which is great cause when we broke to commercial he started telling me 190 years of dreams that he could only sort of remember……”
“Panel, we are going to wrap it up today with the new video from Dusted. “Dead Eyes” is from their sophomore record on Polyvinyl.”
Is that Mr. Nutmeg in this video?
“Wait… isn’tthat one of the founding members of the noisy electronic group Holy Fuck, Brian Borcherdt? I LOVE noise! It’s all I create!”
“Honey, just wait till you hear Dusted – we should go see them together!”